If someone insists on privacy, does that mean they have something to hide?

Government social media guidelines in the near future (spoof; you need to explicitly say this nowadays, or else this makes it to WhatsApp as ‘truth’):

  1. All social media companies need to perform Know Your Customer (KYC) at account creation and periodically every year. Users need to furnish voter ID card, passport, ration card, Aadhaar card. If you intend to solve the Palestine-Israel problem on YouTube in 10 minutes, you also need to submit matriculation certificate. All documents must be submitted in triplicate, with attestation by a gazetted officer. Three colour photographs, 50mm by 50mm, need to be submitted, centred, with no pouts, no cleavage, no flattering angle and no meme text.
  1. Social media companies need to support freedom of speech. All opinion is allowed unless it is deemed to be unfavourable to leaders of the governing party, where ‘governing’ means in power at state, centre or at local corporation. You have every right to express your opinion as long as we agree with it. The line between seduction and sedition is very thin.
  1. Social media companies need to support privacy. This means that all data regarding a user should be provided, on demand, to any officer above the rank of BDO, which includes all pictures, video and private messages. All encryption keys shall be stored locked in a hardware security module like a steel almirah to prevent hacking. If you insist on privacy, that means you have something to hide.
  1. Social media companies need to maintain public decency. They should censor content that is deemed obscene: eg status updates on check-ins to first class lounges, posts on LinkedIn that may be tagged as ‘humble bragging’, thin people calling themselves foodies, anything tagged as a ‘challenge’, and overall any attempt that may be construed, by the OC of local thana, to be showing off the perfection of one’s life.
  1. Social media companies need to support law enforcement. This includes identifying fraudulent individuals, eg those who call themselves blockchain evangelist or big data priest or machine learning diva, claim 10 year expertise in programming languages that are five years old, copy other people’s posts and pass them off as their own, photoshop their own pictures to remove double chin, or post pictures with friends in which the friend has been captured in the most unflattering way possible. Those who can’t do right by their friend, can’t do right by the nation.



This article is intended to bring a smile to your face. Any connection to events and characters in real life is coincidental.


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