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Marital discord – A perspective

My mommy is a firm believer of the quote— Way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Today, when a trim body is the latest passion, people have stopped fueling their stomach’s and this quote seems to have lost its relevance.

These are the times when the way to each other’s heart is not through your stomach but through a pompous declaration of love on social media. 

 Love, nowadays, is celebrated online where couples share on their timelines, a spectacular click against a scenic backdrop a la Shahrukh-Kajol with a racy score—Khullam khulla PYAAR karenge hum dono—playing in the background.

The world applauds and celebrates your love through countless likes and innumerable comments. Once the hype settles down and couple comes to terms with daily chores and as the online love fiction replaces offline discord friction, the love declaration track changes to—-Khullam khulla VAAR karenge hum dono.

Well, what I shared above was in no way meant to judge, belittle or demean love. But it was a gentle pointer to the fact that if love is so pronounced and visible online, why ground reality is so grossly different? 

Why today divorces are more rampant than marriages?

I am neither a counselor nor a psychologist but as a keen observer of life and relations, what I have felt is that the lack of love is not due to lack of feelings and emotions but lack of love is due to lack of zeal to understand perspectives through other’s lens. Let me elaborate.

We humans are an extremely considerate lot. We are kind, courteous, loving and generous to ninety eight percent of people whom we encounter in our lives. Balance two percent are the immediate family members who see are our real, raw, unpolished and short tempered self and if I try to go further, the major brunt of your mood swings and raw, wild, rugged behavior is borne by your spouse.

Fact remains, husband rather than celebrating the differences he sees in his wife spends a lifetime changing her. 

Have you seen my mother…he keeps telling his wife.

Wife who comes to new home idolizing her father, her hero, keeps complaining…You can never be as considerate and as loving as my father.

What perhaps both forget is that all mothers love their sons and all fathers love their daughters for the reason they are born through them and no one ever detests their own extensions. Moreover, comparing a wife with mother and a husband with father is as raw and as childish as comparing apples with oranges. 

A marriage is said to be union of souls but it turns out to be union of two mouldable commodities. You mould yourself to adjust, but in the process, you start behaving like a commodity which is mouldable, foldable and adjustable.  More you adapt, more you are accepted, more you are accepted, the more you have to adapt to be accepted still more. A classic case of—Dil Maange More. 

Now, you can expect service and utility from a commodity but can never expect love and affection. No surprises, we have happy faces in society life but unhappy faces in private life. Homes have turned into fancy lodges and opulent restaurants where décor is classic but ground reality is pathetic.

Perhaps, couples fail to differentiate between feelings and facts. It is one thing to convey a fact but an entirely different thing to convey a feeling and most of the time, there is a strong disconnect of heart with speech. 

Fact remains, truth needs no crutches and in marriages ability of a partner to sense truth is utterly amazing. They hear not through ears but through their eyes, through body language and through voice inflection. Sometimes your mouth is saying something but your pitch and tone is saying something else and both the partners are quite intuitive in realizing the abject mismatch in tone and facts.

That mismatch leads to confusion and that confusion leads to conflicts. Subsequently,  marital discords tend to leave the rational of logics and get convoluted under the weight of egos. And this is not intentional it is circumstantial. At some point of time, when love replaces discord, discord leads to agitation of mind and an agitated mind leaves the cudgels of rationality and in that loss of rationality you are left floundering just with your egos.

 In this state, every thought the couple creates for another is in an attacking mode and not in a reconciliatory mode. That attacking mode does you no good as your agitated mind is unable to decipher the right from wrong and white from black.

Well, what do I wish to conclude? 

At times, not reaching to a conclusion is the best conclusion. Moreover, I have no credentials to deliver a moral, lesson or learning on this sensitive issue. I am here just to present the facts through my close observations.

On a lighter note, the way patience between couples is becoming a scarce commodity, it shall not be surprising that twenty years from now, husband and wife living together shall be called a—Joint Family.



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Disclaimer

Views expressed above are the author’s own.



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